Thursday, June 2, 2016

things falling apart.

okay. alright... so the last time i hit this blog was in december of 2014, about six months after my life started falling apart. i promised i wouldn't let it all get to me, and i called myself out for slipping. here i am again, starting over. not right from scratch, i'm certainly not back to the state of dis-ease i was in back in 2012/13. but if i keep on this path i'll be back there in no time. i can feel unpleasant things unraveling inside me. and the weight is a sure sign of the sickness, my body always does a good job of showing me on the outside when shit just ain't right within.

so, where am i at? i'm not entirely sure to be honest. i lost my scale on one of the several moves the past year and a half. my jeans do not fit me arse. my guts aren't working right. my hip has been mildly disjointed for quite a few weeks now and it's getting uncomfortable. i have a doc's appointment tomorrow to find out what's all up with my thyroid function, and hopefully get on my way to seeing some specialists about some things. i haven't really managed to stay put anywhere for very long since i moved west a couple years ago, and i think that has had a huge impact on my ability to maintain my physical health. i get frustrated when i'm on the move trying to accommodate to uppity diet restrictions and fitness routines. which shouldn't actually be as much a problem as it is, but unfortunately our society gives zero fucks about what it consumes and how it lives so i'm far too often left to choose the lesser of various evils when it comes to eating. things are changing in that realm, very slowly, but it's happening.

for the most part, this blog has been reserved for keeping track of my physical health, and i haven't made much mention of the mental side of things. if you already know me, you know that mental health issues a] run in my family, and b] have been a part of my every day life since i was a wee one. my mental health i have been less willing to address medically, mostly because of my blatant lack of trust in western medicine, especially regarding these kinds of things. brain chemistry isn't something that i like the idea of messing with. but, it's a thing. and another aspect of my health that i have to take responsibility for. i will admit, when i was doing all that i could physically to support this vessel, i was doing far better mentally than i ever was in my past, and i know that by addressing one side of things it will help the other. this time though i have to take a sort of backwards approach to find the mental motivation to take better care of myself physically.

so i gotta start where i'm at with what i've got. i have a steady place to stay right now which is rad. makes sleep and cooking and hygiene much more of a thing. i have my nutribullet smoothie machine, a hand crank masticating juicer i gotta pull out of storage, some space to do some stretches, and a produce market store right across the street. i gotta reset my system, ease in as to not go into shock and fall over. i have to find the right amount of calories for what i do for a living without eating anything that hurts. the way i did this last time was start swapping out components for cleaner options and figure out how much of that food is needed to make it up. i need a lot of calories especially in the colder months, and decent hydration. oh, and i have this blog. sooo thankful i kept track of things. i know i can do this again, and better.

one thing that i don't have and wish i did, is the garden space. i was spoiled back home with a quarter acre to do with what i pleased, and it turned to a sweet little camp surrounded by epic food gardens. the produce was abundant and delicious sun fresh. i am grateful to have access to a wee balcony, which my flat mate and i are attempting to turn into a mini food jungle.

oh ya! and how many times have i quit smoking now? like 6? haha. i'm kind of that path again, i've been smoking on the weekends and vaping during the week for a month or so. i'm just about ready to drop the cigs completely. i feel kinda strange about replacing them with a vape instead of going cold turkey, but i know myself and the act of smoking is just as addictive as the nicotine. for now at least, i need that thing to do. with that little bit of nicotine in the juice.


my challenge for 2016 is still a health challenge, just one without numbers. i don't have a weight loss goal [although i'll certainly lose some], i'm not as concerned about inches, i'll know i'm there when my clothes fit again. there's that little black dress.. [not even shitting, i own but one 'dress', it's black, and rad, and i will get into it again].

i just want to feel better. i want my guts to stop hurting. and bleeding. and my joints to hold together right. and my head not to hurt all the bloody time. and my hip.. i want to be able to climb a hill and take a breath at the top of it. be a part of the world around me and fully enjoy it without some sort of stabbing/throbbing/annoying pain. and have the energy to get excited about it! and feel like i deserve it, i suppose that's key. i just want to be me.

so that's what i'm gonna do. one step, two...

it's over due.