2018- making it my year

When I started this blog 5 years ago, I was sick, tired and overweight. It took a year to figure out what my body needs to not only survive but thrive, and then another year to make it happen. I worked out a diet and exercise plan, and by the end of 2014 I had lost 70 pounds. After being in BC for a year I fell upon some hard times, and into a deep depression. I managed my way out of it eventually, but had slowly startd to regain the weight.

In 2016, I was on my own and homeless. When a close friend passed away in June, I flew home and almost stayed, but I met my now life partner when I returned to BC to pack up shop. By the time we met I had more or less given up on maintaining my health, I was more focused on staying alive and trying to find a place to live. Working full time and sleeping outside meant more fast food than I'm willing to admit, no proper sleep, and boat loads of unavoidable stress.

By the time we had found a place to live, the damage was done. We've been in our home almost a year now, and instead of focusing on my health as I had planned to, I was more focused on maintaining steady work, and grasping at anything to keep this place up and running. The huge veggie garden and remote location meant more fresh food and far less junk, but I was still overloaded with stress a majority of the time, and made no time for myself.

It's a new year, and I want to make it the best one yet. I'm still unsure of my work situation and beyond broke, but I want to make the best of what I have access to. More work will come, but in the meantime I can't let my current situation stress me to death. I swear it, stress is 90% of why I'm sick and gaining weight.

Ironically this past week we've been locked into any ice age, literally.. the two cities nearest to us have been without power, roads closed due to fallen trees and downed power lines, and we spent a couple nights heating the house by generator. Obviously juicing or smoothies or buying fresh produce was out of the question, so I had to focus on what I could do in the moment. Reduce stress, and plan ahead.

This past 5 years I have learned a lot. I'm armed with the knowledge I've accumulated, including knowing from experience that better health and weight loss is possible despite my autoimmune issues. I started 2018 off right this morning with a vegan protein smoothie, a peppermint tea and a freshly charged fitbit.

Bring it 2018... I'm ready to make a life-long commitment to my health and well being!

Starting Over.

I look back over this blog that I [thankfully] kept, and I just shake my head. I mean, I'm glad I kept the blog, I'm just utterly disappointed in myself for letting go. I did so well for so long, even after my mother passed away. And here I am, eating crap food, sick all the time, almost back to my heaviest weight, and smoking. YEP.

The past couple years has been a rough ride. I wouldn't necessarily take any of it back, I've learned a lot about myself, but I let myself go in the process. I've been struggling with my mental health, with my sense of self worth, and with my highly addictive personality. All those things combined when not managed can be a recipe for disaster.

I NEED to get back on track before I can't anymore. The time is now. Should have been yesterday, but now is all I've got.

...

Two months later...

I've managed to almost completely quit smoking. I went from a pack or more a day to two or three cigarettes. I was able to make it a couple days without having a single one, then I let the stress get the best of me. I still haven't bought a pack in over a week.

My juice press is sitting assembled and ready to go on the dining room table. I've even used it a couple times this week. The nutribullet has seen fairly consistent action for my breakfast smoothies, but just about every meal has been (delicious, but) an assault on my insides. My digestive system has been in revolt for a few months now, but the stress and anxiety I've been dealing with was my huge excuse not to give a shit.

Oh, and I bought a scale. It's been a long time since I've stepped on one, and I nearly cried. Weight wise I'm pretty much right back to my heaviest. At least I still kinda fit in my jeans. Kinda. My weight is a good tell of how bad my insides are getting. The worse they are, the more I retain. If I don't get back up on it, I'm gonna get very sick very quick.

I'm worried that it won't be as 'easy' as it was last time to get into a routine. I'm a little nervous that maybe it will be much harder to lose the weight as I get older. I'm kinda scared that it might be too late. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

There's a produce store in the nearest town that happens to be on my way home from work, no matter what city I'm working in. I have to pass it to get home. There's a vape place in the plaza next to that. I have no excuses to smoke or not eat the way that I should. There's a big-ass garden planted beside my house that in a couple months will be so abundant I won't know what to do with it all.

I don't need junk. I don't need sugary snacks or pizza. I don't need sammies every day for lunch, or meat at dinner. I don't need salty greasy fried things to be happy. I don't need to smoke to feel alright.

This is it. The beginning of the rest of my life. And I'd rather live in health than in sickness.

time to Thrive.

as of yesterday afternoon, i am officially retired from my full-time job as a retail supervisor. i have decided that in order to better my health and my life, i must take the time to make my well-being my 'full time job'. for the next thirty days, no excuses, no slip-ups, no cheating. lots of exercise, proper rest, and healthy clean eating. learning, too.

after the first few weeks, i take the show on the road. i'll be travelling to the west coast where there is a presence in the 'wellness industry' to learn more about becoming a health coach, and continue on my own personal journey towards better health and fitness. there's a lot of work ahead of me, and some honest dedication. i've come this far already, there's no turning back!

thanks to everyone who has been following my journey so far, your words of encouragement come with loads of support. i'm confident that i can not only succeed at my goals of losing weight, gaining health and building a more healthy and sustainable lifestyle, but also one day help others succeed too.

if you're interested in following my journey through all the ups and downs and delicious details, check out my page at facebook.com/SageThriveChallenge. help me achieve my goals just by following! thanks again:)

the Junk

it's addictive, and it's everywhere. in fact, sometimes it's the only option. i've been a little stressed and strapped for time lately, so i've been making less-than-awesome food choices the past few days. Matt took me out for lunch that included fries, there was a dose of subway in there, and a chicken wrap from wendy's. all within three days! oh and a small ice cap from timmies accompanied that wrap. bleh! i felt horrible after, had a horrible time in the can. brought me right back to the "IBS" days... we'll get into that later.

but first, to top it all off [and so that i never forget it], i had to grab one last serving of mcD's. i've been good all day. in fact, it was almost two full days of being back on my mostly raw vegan regime. i had almost made a full recovery from the binge. but i had to be sure...

i ordered one of each of my favourite things, a mcdouble [with plus cornichons], a small fry and small vanilla ice coffee. my mouth was already watering from the smell. i got my meal first while my brother waited for his sandwiches. we ate my fries at the counter. salty heaven. the oil still hot. wash it down with some of that ice coffee... after a couple sips it starts.

there's an acidy taste at the back of my mouth. a few more sips and i can feel the mucus in my throat starting to flow. this naturally made me feel thirsty and need to drink more to wash it away. oh, right. the sugar, the 'milk'.. that's what that stuff does.

then, the burger. no photo needed, we all know what that stuff looks like. plasticy cheese product hanging off the edge. i ate most of it, besides the pickles it tasted pretty bland. the whole deal smelled so good and my mouth watered for it, but by the end of the indulgence, the indigestion had already begun. oh... yeah. but g*d damn the first few bites were delicious!

by the time i had taken the last bite [before tossing the rest in the bag] i felt like i had just been kicked in the stomach. i had to sit for a few minutes to sort it out. by the time we got to his car, i had a full-blown headache. it's two hours later right now actually, and i still have that headache. and i almost feel like my skin wants to break out. woah. that's all kinds of not good.

...

when i was a kid, i had all kinds of things wrong with me. horrible nerves, acid reflux at the age of ten.. by the time i was a teen i was already a wreck. like most kids in my generation, i grew up on grilled cheese and kraft dinner, with pot roast or chicken and potatoes with a steamed veggie on the weekends. the occasional happy meal was a treat. 

when i got older, these symptoms of constant discomfort were continuous, but the diet was never in question. diagnoses were quick assumptions based on how i was feeling on my last visit to the doc. their tests and blood work never found a true cause. i had everything from IBS to severe acid reflux. sometimes i'd vomit small amounts of bile, scorching my throat for days. this is horrible for anyone, but especially frightening at the age of twelve. throw hashimoto's thyroiditis on top of that, and you've got a stressed out fat kid.

for years it didn't matter what i ate, it made my guts hurt. was it wheat? acidy tomato sauce? dairy? meat? it was anything, everything i ate. even vegetables and fruit. the problem likely being that my guts simply weren't used to having them. the proper fibre after days of not having any would be painful passing through. i'd eat salad but then there's the dressing.. i had no idea i was constantly assaulting my body just by eating refined and processed foods. i suppose it'd be safe to assume that things sold en masse for the purpose of human consumption would be good for you, right? all the added vitamins and minerals.. then if you look at the second ingredient of just about anything, the sugar...

...

after a few hours, the most immediate symptoms are fading into a dull annoyance. something most people would take a tums for, or try to soothe with a glass of milk.  here i am thinking.. is this what's really going on? do we all just think 'oh it's just a little indigestion' and move on? repeating the same vicious cycle of eating junk, feeling like crap, eating better for a few days to make up for it [and maybe go for a run] then start all over? is this why we're so sick? so fat? ....probably. we think we're eating food, our bodies are trying to tell us no, this isn't food, we ignore, then we get sick and fat and irritated. hmh.

the saddest part of it is, this is all 'normal'. well, it was more normal in the 80's and 90's, now people are aware that the majority of things sold for human consumption aren't actually food, but everyone eats it so it's okay. everyone enjoys it, so it's not going anywhere. it's so incredibly easy to 'fall off the [diet] wagon' and grab a quick snack. and it's just as easy to do the same thing the very next day. when you've become a 'regular' and servers know your breakfast order before you get to the counter, there's a problem.

i've been doing incredibly well this year in my get healthy venture. when i started this blog in 2013, i lost about 20 pounds by sheer force, and eventually gained it all back. at the beginning of 2014 i weighed roughly 210 pounds, and by july made it down to 175. after my binge i'm sitting around 180. now that i've been keeping a close eye on my weight, it is apparent that when i eat crap my body bloats and retains water. this will show on the scale as a couple pounds extra in as little as a day. it'll take me a week to get it off again. and it doesn't even have to be as drastic as a cheeseburger, it can be something as innocent as a single serving bag of lay's or a 'healthier' subway sub.

i've said this before, but even with the knowledge that most of the stuff out there to eat is garbage, we still reach for it. it's incredibly challenging to choose real, unprocessed food over the quick fixes not only because snacks are so delicious, but that's mostly what is available. thinking back to the last time i was on the road, a lot of the time the only 'food' places for miles served.. well, junk. i would absolutely eat as much fresh as i could when i happened upon it, but for the most part, things that keep well or are served quickly often made the menu.

point is, it's still a choice. i think mentally a part of this binge for me began at the idea that soon i'll be on a bus for a few days straight headed to the coast, and the only food choices available en route aren't the best ones. it'll be unlikely to find anything fresh, the occasional banana or apple at a truck stop or gas station perhaps. there aren't many markets along the highway for said coach buses to stop at. i think maybe i wanted to see [while still in a controlled environment] if my body could handle all that, and truthfully after said and done it made me very uncomfortable. the symptoms of 'IBS' that have been all but gone since i started eating cleaner came back full force in the matter of three days. could it be that this backup diagnosis of 'irritable bowels' is simply our bodies' response to eating processed junk?

i'd bet my ass on it. literally.

and since i'm getting too old to spend half a week on the bus in the first place, i don't fancy doing so suffering from symptoms of IBS, so imma be sure to pack myself as much real food as i can to make it through. and then continue on, wherever i end up, eating just... real... food. imagine that? i mean the odd treat once in a blue moon won't kill me.. but it's my mission to find real food out there, everywhere, anywhere i go. i've been managing here now that i've found a taste for goodness, but what will i do without my blender? the adventure awaits!

losing weight... not just the fat kind.

it's been an interesting year so far for me. the journey to better health has been a struggle, but i refuse to give up. getting healthy, to me, is about more than just losing fat, it's about doing many things that make you feel better and generally improve the quality of life.

i decided that it's about time in my life where i should get rid of anything extra that i have been holding on to, not just the weight.. things i have been carrying around with me for far too long for fear of letting go. i think that subconscious fear of letting go had spread it's way from my environment into my mind and has made it difficult to let go of the stresses and the weight that comes with it.

having just moved, i had the opportunity to go through everything that i own and discard things that i no longer needed. even things that i had packed and moved a million times before... i finally found the strength to just let go of the past. i was at work the day after moving, and i realized there was one more thing that needed to be let go.. my dreadlocks.

i had been contemplating cutting off my dreads since sometime last year, but i just didn't have the nerve to do the deed. earlier this spring i did some thinning, i took out the locks that were looking weak and cut myself some bangs. this time it got serious. i went and bought some organic coconut shampoo and conditioner, some anti-frizz serum, hair cutting scissors and a nice brush, and went to town. i had finally made up my mind that i was finished carrying them around, and making the cut was one of the most liberating feelings i have felt in my life. almost makes me wonder why i kept myself locked up for so long...

ahhhh so free! fastest five pounds i ever lost.. and i have no regrets. i have been hesitant to cut them for so long.. for almost a decade straight dreadlocks have been, as i see it, a major part of my identity. they are/were a slowly evolving piece of my personal history, the part that held on to so many moments in the past, good or bad. i feel like my thoughts were locked up with them, and the time was well overdue to do something about it. i'm proud that i rocked them for ever so long, and i'm even more proud that i found the strength to let go of them, and not look back with regret.

i think the most interesting thing i have noticed in the past week since i cut them is how people notice me. in the past i would have complete strangers come up to me and tell me they loved my hair, ask me questions about how i did the dreadlocks and how to take care of them and whatnot... i was noticed for my dreads. now that they're gone, it's only the people who know me [or remember me] that complement  and comment on my hair. i went to Toronto yesterday to rally up with some people i have been friends with for a long time, but only see a couple times a year. it was funny watching people walk right past me not noticing i was there until i took off my shades, and they realized it was me.. and then watching them almost die of shock that i lost my locks! too funny.

anyways, i had almost forgotten how wonderful it feels to run a brush over my scalp. and y'know, wash my hair without carrying around water half the day, lay down without laying on my hair, get dressed without a mass of locks getting in the way... all that good stuff. i feel like a new person, and hopefully this mind state helps me with my journey.

forever forward...