Starting Over.

I look back over this blog that I [thankfully] kept, and I just shake my head. I mean, I'm glad I kept the blog, I'm just utterly disappointed in myself for letting go. I did so well for so long, even after my mother passed away. And here I am, eating crap food, sick all the time, almost back to my heaviest weight, and smoking. YEP.

The past couple years has been a rough ride. I wouldn't necessarily take any of it back, I've learned a lot about myself, but I let myself go in the process. I've been struggling with my mental health, with my sense of self worth, and with my highly addictive personality. All those things combined when not managed can be a recipe for disaster.

I NEED to get back on track before I can't anymore. The time is now. Should have been yesterday, but now is all I've got.

...

Two months later...

I've managed to almost completely quit smoking. I went from a pack or more a day to two or three cigarettes. I was able to make it a couple days without having a single one, then I let the stress get the best of me. I still haven't bought a pack in over a week.

My juice press is sitting assembled and ready to go on the dining room table. I've even used it a couple times this week. The nutribullet has seen fairly consistent action for my breakfast smoothies, but just about every meal has been (delicious, but) an assault on my insides. My digestive system has been in revolt for a few months now, but the stress and anxiety I've been dealing with was my huge excuse not to give a shit.

Oh, and I bought a scale. It's been a long time since I've stepped on one, and I nearly cried. Weight wise I'm pretty much right back to my heaviest. At least I still kinda fit in my jeans. Kinda. My weight is a good tell of how bad my insides are getting. The worse they are, the more I retain. If I don't get back up on it, I'm gonna get very sick very quick.

I'm worried that it won't be as 'easy' as it was last time to get into a routine. I'm a little nervous that maybe it will be much harder to lose the weight as I get older. I'm kinda scared that it might be too late. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

There's a produce store in the nearest town that happens to be on my way home from work, no matter what city I'm working in. I have to pass it to get home. There's a vape place in the plaza next to that. I have no excuses to smoke or not eat the way that I should. There's a big-ass garden planted beside my house that in a couple months will be so abundant I won't know what to do with it all.

I don't need junk. I don't need sugary snacks or pizza. I don't need sammies every day for lunch, or meat at dinner. I don't need salty greasy fried things to be happy. I don't need to smoke to feel alright.

This is it. The beginning of the rest of my life. And I'd rather live in health than in sickness.

Nah Give Up

it's been a couple months since my last post on this blog.. but i haven't given up. self care has mostly remained at the top of my priority list since my mother's passing in May, though i've had a couple rough weeks. i juice more or less every day. i don't feel right if i go too long without it.

i weigh 177lbs. that's 29 pounds less than i did at the beginning of this year. i've been kind of stuck here for a while, but when i think back to when i was stuck at 200, and 190, i don't feel so bad. i've been doing my best to go to the gym, if i make it a couple times a week. my diet is improving by default. my guts no longer put up with any crap.. if i eat junk, i feel it right away. helps to make sugar and refined foods less desirable. and they just don't taste the same.

there's more to healing than just better food and exercise. 
it's attitude, it's environment,
it's the elimination [or at least severe reduction] of stress in my life.
it's letting go of guilt, of anger, of negative emotions.
it's playing outside in the dirt.

the garden has been sweet to me this year. i spend many hours in it's perimeters. there's something magical about the ever growing ever-changing world that lies outside the back door. something i think that's easier to absorb when we grow food. the magic of knowing you provided for the earth so that it may provide for you, and the cycle that continues. it's a good feeling.

life in the garden

the garden is a good place for me to be. there's nothing better on this planet to eat than anything fresh off the plant, or out of the soil. to live off the earth is to thrive.. that's the way i see it anyways. it's been a challenge in itself to adapt to a more stationary lifestyle, it's always been a part of my program not to settle, to be always on the move.

but staying in one place has certainly paid off. foraging is a healthy habit, but nothing can beat growing your own food, and i wanted to have a place i call home where i do it. urban farming, right here in the city. just as i learned a lot from this past year of self observation, i learned what to do to adapt my gardening habits to my semi-vagabondish tendencies. my travel habit had some ill effects on the garden this year, but this prepares me for how to avoid such issues next season. the state of the garden and that of my health go hand in hand.

a healthful bounty. i am learning to grow. and with the wisdom of each attempted garden plot i move forward next season with many dreams and ideas. ones that shall grow into fruition. the colours of the bounty are inspiration enough, but the taste is worth living for. over the winter i shall continue to design, the garden and my life, so that when the sun returns i am ready to receive it.

building healthy habits.

so i haven't posted all month, but i have managed to build a pretty solid morning routine. ever since i got my brand new NutriBullet i have made it a habit to make myself a 'fast food breakfast'. i use Salba chia as a boost, sometimes some hemp protein. i have to get more into adding greens though, at least i have the motion down pat.

another thing i am working on is trying to re-eliminate meat from my diet. i was doing so well and i started eating meat again when i got back to traveling. i'm so bad for that.. i have to learn to maintain healthy habits when i travel, or some up with alternatives and plan ahead.

i have found some inspiration in the world of reads that has challenged me to look deeper into what i eat, at the same time thinking of the big picture. if you want some motivation to truly change your diet [and your life!] i highly reccomend the book Whole by T. Colin Campbell. he is very blunt, and a veteran in nutritional science. besides longing for the health of my youth, this has been a driving force for me to succeed in this challenge.

i have found comfort in things like mushrooms and potatoes, and my boosts like chia and hemp. i also do my best to always have water on hand, i use a brita filter water bottle instead of drinking straight from the tap or wasting plastic drinking bottled water. i don't even enjoy the taste of bottled water, all i taste is the plastic it's packaged in.

that's it for now, otherwise i've been pretty occupied with the Permaculture style food garden, especially since being slammed with a pretty intense storm. lots of work needed to be done to get the garden back up off of the ground, and there's still more yet to do. i must be conscious of the heat though, and staying hydrated during the annual heat wave.

off the wagon

so i fell off it, that week i went away to Arkansas.. as i wrote in my last post, i had a hard time keeping up with my healthy habits and supplements. i threw off my routine all together, and now i'm starting over from scratch. not entirely i suppose, at least i have the tools i need to help me, i just need the willpower to get myself back on track.

i think i may have found help.. i have been hired to shoot a wedding in the Dominican sometime in October.. and i'm gonna want to look good. it's almost exactly 4 months away, so this is plenty of time to get in shape, if i can stick with it. at least i haven't neglected the garden...

at least something is thriving! i got back on my equalizer bars for the first time today in a couple weeks. i can feel the burn.. like i started over. being away meant that i didn't have as many fresh options, and i got too used to packaged snacks and not preparing my own meals. i was spoiled! but i can certainly feel that too. my guts are still recovering from eating too much processed food. i will have to remember this for the next time i travel, sticking with the routine no matter where i am is important! how did i stay in such great shape when i spent months on the road?! ahh... i'm getting older.

well i think it's just about time to bust out the juicer, or maybe the blender.. haven't decided yet. so many good things, farmer's market freshness.. i'm happy to be home <3

gardening for health

wow... slacking on this blog or what?! ahh well, i'm not usually one to get nailed down to a computer for too long, but i'm trying. this month has been mainly focused on getting our new yard ready to grow some food. not only is eating fresh picked food incredibly good for your overall health, but the very act of gardening is good for you also.

just like any workout, or anything in life really, you get out of it what you put into it. if you are lazy about digging the ground, there won't be room for root growth, and your garden will not be strong. digging uses all sorts of muscles, and after a day of building a new garden plot, i can certainly feel it.

after the initial dig, there's still plenty of gentle exercise in store when caring for a garden. not only that, but it's a meditative stress reliever. there's apparently a bacteria in the soil itself that is a mood enhancer, and triggers the release of seratonin in the brain. for a really cool article on gardening and happiness, check this link. plus each time we bend to pull a weed or pluck some fresh produce, we stretch! mmmm garden yoga...

this next week will be focused mostly on the garden, which in turn makes me more conscious of my health. i find that when there is a garden in the equation, everyone around adopts healthier lifestyle habits. we are constantly looking for even more ways to repurpose things. we choose meals that involve more fresh ingredients. we walk to the farmer's market to meet other great people that grow and prepare fresh delicious food.

stay tuned for more garden freshness, and exercise.. and about making it fun to get in shape!