Starting Over: Take Two...

*Sigh*

Like, really?

The last time I hit this blog was in April.. I had every intention to get back on track with my health, but mostly failed. I did buy a scale, which may have squashed my motivation a little seeing what it read.. and I have been using my Nutribullet almost daily for breakfast. Besides that and [finally!] quitting smoking, that's about as far as I got. On the plus side, I haven't gained much more weight. Watching the numbers slowly but steadily climb for almost a year was telling me it's time to get my health in check. But I ignored the obvious.

It's not all about the weight, having gained weight is just a sign of how my health in general has declined. My body is pretty keen on accumulating weight when something isn't right internally. My guts kill me no matter what or how much I eat. I'm in some kind of trouble.

I can't take it anymore. I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm heavy. My partner, as amazing as he is, has the "beauty is what's inside" attitude... which kind of doesn't help. I'm beyond thankful for his presence, but he doesn't understand my "need to change".

First things first. 

I dusted off my fitbit for the first time in a while. I started driving regularly just over a year ago, and unfortunately no longer needing to walk my ass off to get to work has had a huge impact on my daily 'step count'. And I mean HUGE. Like I don't think I even realized... I thought I was still doing a lot of walking during my shifts, up and down stairs, up and down ladders, back and forth across the jobsite several times a day.. But it just isn't enough. I'm not even touching the 'daily goal' of ten thousand steps preset by the fitbit app, when before I drove, I'd get 30,000 steps a day easy. I almost crapped when I saw at the end of a work day I was only at 7 thousand steps.

So my first goal is.. ten thousand a day.  At least. I will have to become more conscious of my steps, and make time to take more if I haven't reached my goal.

Keeping track. 

I'm right back at my all time heaviest weight. I'm carrying it a little better this time than I did years ago, but that's not the point.. I'm still carrying it. So here I'm going to list my current measurements, no matter the 'embarrassment'. I know I'll appreciate it later. Plus it's more for my own records, but I'm sharing that if I may some day encourage someone else to push through the same struggles. So here it is:

Weight: 223.3 lbs [height 5'5"]
Pant size: 16
Waist: 51"
Bust: 48"
R thigh: 30.5"
L thigh: 32"
R arm: 13.5"
L arm: 13"

So there. Last time I was this weight, I believe I was size 18+ and I'd never bother to buy jeans to save myself the struggle of finding some that fit. At least right now I can wear jeans, because I need to for work. Sheet metal is sharp! Though I wish they were a little looser fit. My goal pant size is 8, last time at which I weighed roughly 160 lbs. I still have my goal pants from last time around.

Make the decision. 

One must decide first that they want to be healthy before one can become healthy. I'd made that decision once before, and that's when I had my greatest success. My mistake was not keeping up with my healthy lifestyle choices, for giving up when I hit a rough patch in my life. I admit it's not easy to eat healthy and plan for regular exercise when living outside, being healthy was not as much a concern as merely surviving.

When I finally got back on my feet about a year ago, I gave my health some thought, but that was about the end of it. I got comfortable, and complacent about the status of my health. It didn't matter as much as securing jobs, and finding a roof under which to live. My focus all year was purely external, knowing full well my health was continually being sacrificed.

I can't let that happen anymore. I must decide. One step at a time. Forever forward. I'm beginning again, from the start. All I ask from my friends and loved ones is for a little encouragement. Please remind me that I'm worth it, I tend to forget from time to time. Thanks, and lots of love.

xo

Starting Over.

I look back over this blog that I [thankfully] kept, and I just shake my head. I mean, I'm glad I kept the blog, I'm just utterly disappointed in myself for letting go. I did so well for so long, even after my mother passed away. And here I am, eating crap food, sick all the time, almost back to my heaviest weight, and smoking. YEP.

The past couple years has been a rough ride. I wouldn't necessarily take any of it back, I've learned a lot about myself, but I let myself go in the process. I've been struggling with my mental health, with my sense of self worth, and with my highly addictive personality. All those things combined when not managed can be a recipe for disaster.

I NEED to get back on track before I can't anymore. The time is now. Should have been yesterday, but now is all I've got.

...

Two months later...

I've managed to almost completely quit smoking. I went from a pack or more a day to two or three cigarettes. I was able to make it a couple days without having a single one, then I let the stress get the best of me. I still haven't bought a pack in over a week.

My juice press is sitting assembled and ready to go on the dining room table. I've even used it a couple times this week. The nutribullet has seen fairly consistent action for my breakfast smoothies, but just about every meal has been (delicious, but) an assault on my insides. My digestive system has been in revolt for a few months now, but the stress and anxiety I've been dealing with was my huge excuse not to give a shit.

Oh, and I bought a scale. It's been a long time since I've stepped on one, and I nearly cried. Weight wise I'm pretty much right back to my heaviest. At least I still kinda fit in my jeans. Kinda. My weight is a good tell of how bad my insides are getting. The worse they are, the more I retain. If I don't get back up on it, I'm gonna get very sick very quick.

I'm worried that it won't be as 'easy' as it was last time to get into a routine. I'm a little nervous that maybe it will be much harder to lose the weight as I get older. I'm kinda scared that it might be too late. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

There's a produce store in the nearest town that happens to be on my way home from work, no matter what city I'm working in. I have to pass it to get home. There's a vape place in the plaza next to that. I have no excuses to smoke or not eat the way that I should. There's a big-ass garden planted beside my house that in a couple months will be so abundant I won't know what to do with it all.

I don't need junk. I don't need sugary snacks or pizza. I don't need sammies every day for lunch, or meat at dinner. I don't need salty greasy fried things to be happy. I don't need to smoke to feel alright.

This is it. The beginning of the rest of my life. And I'd rather live in health than in sickness.

the Junk

it's addictive, and it's everywhere. in fact, sometimes it's the only option. i've been a little stressed and strapped for time lately, so i've been making less-than-awesome food choices the past few days. Matt took me out for lunch that included fries, there was a dose of subway in there, and a chicken wrap from wendy's. all within three days! oh and a small ice cap from timmies accompanied that wrap. bleh! i felt horrible after, had a horrible time in the can. brought me right back to the "IBS" days... we'll get into that later.

but first, to top it all off [and so that i never forget it], i had to grab one last serving of mcD's. i've been good all day. in fact, it was almost two full days of being back on my mostly raw vegan regime. i had almost made a full recovery from the binge. but i had to be sure...

i ordered one of each of my favourite things, a mcdouble [with plus cornichons], a small fry and small vanilla ice coffee. my mouth was already watering from the smell. i got my meal first while my brother waited for his sandwiches. we ate my fries at the counter. salty heaven. the oil still hot. wash it down with some of that ice coffee... after a couple sips it starts.

there's an acidy taste at the back of my mouth. a few more sips and i can feel the mucus in my throat starting to flow. this naturally made me feel thirsty and need to drink more to wash it away. oh, right. the sugar, the 'milk'.. that's what that stuff does.

then, the burger. no photo needed, we all know what that stuff looks like. plasticy cheese product hanging off the edge. i ate most of it, besides the pickles it tasted pretty bland. the whole deal smelled so good and my mouth watered for it, but by the end of the indulgence, the indigestion had already begun. oh... yeah. but g*d damn the first few bites were delicious!

by the time i had taken the last bite [before tossing the rest in the bag] i felt like i had just been kicked in the stomach. i had to sit for a few minutes to sort it out. by the time we got to his car, i had a full-blown headache. it's two hours later right now actually, and i still have that headache. and i almost feel like my skin wants to break out. woah. that's all kinds of not good.

...

when i was a kid, i had all kinds of things wrong with me. horrible nerves, acid reflux at the age of ten.. by the time i was a teen i was already a wreck. like most kids in my generation, i grew up on grilled cheese and kraft dinner, with pot roast or chicken and potatoes with a steamed veggie on the weekends. the occasional happy meal was a treat. 

when i got older, these symptoms of constant discomfort were continuous, but the diet was never in question. diagnoses were quick assumptions based on how i was feeling on my last visit to the doc. their tests and blood work never found a true cause. i had everything from IBS to severe acid reflux. sometimes i'd vomit small amounts of bile, scorching my throat for days. this is horrible for anyone, but especially frightening at the age of twelve. throw hashimoto's thyroiditis on top of that, and you've got a stressed out fat kid.

for years it didn't matter what i ate, it made my guts hurt. was it wheat? acidy tomato sauce? dairy? meat? it was anything, everything i ate. even vegetables and fruit. the problem likely being that my guts simply weren't used to having them. the proper fibre after days of not having any would be painful passing through. i'd eat salad but then there's the dressing.. i had no idea i was constantly assaulting my body just by eating refined and processed foods. i suppose it'd be safe to assume that things sold en masse for the purpose of human consumption would be good for you, right? all the added vitamins and minerals.. then if you look at the second ingredient of just about anything, the sugar...

...

after a few hours, the most immediate symptoms are fading into a dull annoyance. something most people would take a tums for, or try to soothe with a glass of milk.  here i am thinking.. is this what's really going on? do we all just think 'oh it's just a little indigestion' and move on? repeating the same vicious cycle of eating junk, feeling like crap, eating better for a few days to make up for it [and maybe go for a run] then start all over? is this why we're so sick? so fat? ....probably. we think we're eating food, our bodies are trying to tell us no, this isn't food, we ignore, then we get sick and fat and irritated. hmh.

the saddest part of it is, this is all 'normal'. well, it was more normal in the 80's and 90's, now people are aware that the majority of things sold for human consumption aren't actually food, but everyone eats it so it's okay. everyone enjoys it, so it's not going anywhere. it's so incredibly easy to 'fall off the [diet] wagon' and grab a quick snack. and it's just as easy to do the same thing the very next day. when you've become a 'regular' and servers know your breakfast order before you get to the counter, there's a problem.

i've been doing incredibly well this year in my get healthy venture. when i started this blog in 2013, i lost about 20 pounds by sheer force, and eventually gained it all back. at the beginning of 2014 i weighed roughly 210 pounds, and by july made it down to 175. after my binge i'm sitting around 180. now that i've been keeping a close eye on my weight, it is apparent that when i eat crap my body bloats and retains water. this will show on the scale as a couple pounds extra in as little as a day. it'll take me a week to get it off again. and it doesn't even have to be as drastic as a cheeseburger, it can be something as innocent as a single serving bag of lay's or a 'healthier' subway sub.

i've said this before, but even with the knowledge that most of the stuff out there to eat is garbage, we still reach for it. it's incredibly challenging to choose real, unprocessed food over the quick fixes not only because snacks are so delicious, but that's mostly what is available. thinking back to the last time i was on the road, a lot of the time the only 'food' places for miles served.. well, junk. i would absolutely eat as much fresh as i could when i happened upon it, but for the most part, things that keep well or are served quickly often made the menu.

point is, it's still a choice. i think mentally a part of this binge for me began at the idea that soon i'll be on a bus for a few days straight headed to the coast, and the only food choices available en route aren't the best ones. it'll be unlikely to find anything fresh, the occasional banana or apple at a truck stop or gas station perhaps. there aren't many markets along the highway for said coach buses to stop at. i think maybe i wanted to see [while still in a controlled environment] if my body could handle all that, and truthfully after said and done it made me very uncomfortable. the symptoms of 'IBS' that have been all but gone since i started eating cleaner came back full force in the matter of three days. could it be that this backup diagnosis of 'irritable bowels' is simply our bodies' response to eating processed junk?

i'd bet my ass on it. literally.

and since i'm getting too old to spend half a week on the bus in the first place, i don't fancy doing so suffering from symptoms of IBS, so imma be sure to pack myself as much real food as i can to make it through. and then continue on, wherever i end up, eating just... real... food. imagine that? i mean the odd treat once in a blue moon won't kill me.. but it's my mission to find real food out there, everywhere, anywhere i go. i've been managing here now that i've found a taste for goodness, but what will i do without my blender? the adventure awaits!