20thirteen

i suppose when i started this blog i had this idea in my head that if i kept tabs on myself here, it'd motivate me more than ever to find my health. i wasn't wrong, i guess i just thought it would happen faster. at least it's happening.. i've only lost a few pounds this year, i think weight loss was the expectation that makes me feel like i haven't gotten anywhere. truly though, i have. as if to apply permaculture principles to my own health, i had to take the time to observe, to truly see myself and what it is i do that keeps me in a state of dis-ease. genetic predisposition is only a small part of it. it is completely possible to live a healthy life, it just requires a little more care than for those un-predisposed.

stress does some incredible things to the body. it can show in countless physical symptoms, it can keep you fat [or make you lose weight], it can make you sick [even so far as to create ulcers], and it can most certainly mess up your sleep cycle. after this long, fully encompassing observation period, i have come to realize that the stresses i have put myself under in my everyday life most likely has a lot to do with why i have a hard time staying healthy.

now that doesn't mean i'm going to stop doing everything i'm doing because it all creates stress, it simply means that i have to find ways of alleviating that stress, or not experience a stress response to my daily life in the first place. attitude is key. now that i am aware of the unnecessary emotional hells i have put myself through due to situations in or beyond my control, i can stop myself before i let things affect me negatively. instead of getting upset about something right away i remember to breathe. the trick is that usually after three deep, calm breaths the stress response will start to dissipate quickly. getting angry, upset or stressed out is never a good way for me to deal with things.

i feel like i'm finally beginning to get all of my ducks into a row. i know what helps and doesn't help, what i can handle and what i can't, and how to push myself. i had all year to see what works for me, and a chance to work through accepting what does not. i have collected all of the tools that i need to have a better diet, and have been slowly introducing them forming habits and rituals. this is key to building a healthier lifestyle. trends are bad, they fade.. but habits, even healthy ones are hard to break. and rituals... now that is just sacred. life is sacred. i'll do my best to make a ritual of everything.

interrupted.

routines and rituals are very important to me. i should try and make a ritual of writing, maybe i'd do it more often.. anyways, i've been living a domesticated lifestyle this year more so than probably any year of my life, and i had thought that building a routine would be easy. i guess it's not as easy as i thought it'd be.. any major interruption and i'm screwed.

 along with living a domesticated lifestyle, i've also been doing more traveling than i'm used to, and each time i leave for any decent amount of time, my routine goes straight out the window. i was doing so well for so long, and then arkansas happened. after recovering from that insane week of barely eating, not sleeping and riding four airplanes, i pulled myself for long enough to regain my healthy habits just in time to get on a bus for the east coast.

the journey east may have done more good for me than i give it credit for, it was a true awakening. i got to remember all of the healthy habits that came naturally living out there like taking better care when preparing meals.. taking my time. the journey did encourage me to bring my juicer back out of storage, and reminded me of the importance of bringing my own food to work instead of trying to find something suitable to purchase. that being said, this particular journey wasn't all bad for my health, except for of course spending a total of four days straight on a bus. that can be rough on the digestive system no matter who you are.

the most recent attack on my daily routine has been flipping to the midnight shift. i was just starting to pull myself together again from all that bussing when i was asked to destroy all that was left of the routine that i had to prepare my store for inventory. yuck.. overnights. talk about torture on my guts.. two more weeks to go until i can begin to recover once again, though i am doing all that i can to keep up with it. at least i have more time to work out on this schedule, one more routine piece i can take back to days with me and add to what i have been building on.

one more attack on my routine in a few weeks, i fly out to the dominican for a week to shoot a wedding. all of my meals are included, so here's hoping the resort has a decent vegetarian selection. what i should be doing is building a strategy on how to deal with interruptions to my routine, so that will be my focus for next year's lineup of traveling. this year i've had the opportunity to make a lot of observation. of my self, my environment and lifestyle, and also do some independent research.

good health is something you have to truly want to achieve. once you want it bad enough, doing what needs to be done to achieve that health becomes a part of your nature. it's not an easy transition but with the right support, it can be done. i'm thankful that i have friends to keep pushing me in the right direction, no matter how many times i fall. i've started to get impossible digestion issues under control, and get my energy back that an autoimmune disorder has been stealing from me all my life. now that i'm closer to having a good balance than i ever have been, i can begin to take it to the next level. really push myself.. lose some real weight, build some real muscle, and wake up. i've been too tired for far too long.

losing weight... not just the fat kind.

it's been an interesting year so far for me. the journey to better health has been a struggle, but i refuse to give up. getting healthy, to me, is about more than just losing fat, it's about doing many things that make you feel better and generally improve the quality of life.

i decided that it's about time in my life where i should get rid of anything extra that i have been holding on to, not just the weight.. things i have been carrying around with me for far too long for fear of letting go. i think that subconscious fear of letting go had spread it's way from my environment into my mind and has made it difficult to let go of the stresses and the weight that comes with it.

having just moved, i had the opportunity to go through everything that i own and discard things that i no longer needed. even things that i had packed and moved a million times before... i finally found the strength to just let go of the past. i was at work the day after moving, and i realized there was one more thing that needed to be let go.. my dreadlocks.

i had been contemplating cutting off my dreads since sometime last year, but i just didn't have the nerve to do the deed. earlier this spring i did some thinning, i took out the locks that were looking weak and cut myself some bangs. this time it got serious. i went and bought some organic coconut shampoo and conditioner, some anti-frizz serum, hair cutting scissors and a nice brush, and went to town. i had finally made up my mind that i was finished carrying them around, and making the cut was one of the most liberating feelings i have felt in my life. almost makes me wonder why i kept myself locked up for so long...

ahhhh so free! fastest five pounds i ever lost.. and i have no regrets. i have been hesitant to cut them for so long.. for almost a decade straight dreadlocks have been, as i see it, a major part of my identity. they are/were a slowly evolving piece of my personal history, the part that held on to so many moments in the past, good or bad. i feel like my thoughts were locked up with them, and the time was well overdue to do something about it. i'm proud that i rocked them for ever so long, and i'm even more proud that i found the strength to let go of them, and not look back with regret.

i think the most interesting thing i have noticed in the past week since i cut them is how people notice me. in the past i would have complete strangers come up to me and tell me they loved my hair, ask me questions about how i did the dreadlocks and how to take care of them and whatnot... i was noticed for my dreads. now that they're gone, it's only the people who know me [or remember me] that complement  and comment on my hair. i went to Toronto yesterday to rally up with some people i have been friends with for a long time, but only see a couple times a year. it was funny watching people walk right past me not noticing i was there until i took off my shades, and they realized it was me.. and then watching them almost die of shock that i lost my locks! too funny.

anyways, i had almost forgotten how wonderful it feels to run a brush over my scalp. and y'know, wash my hair without carrying around water half the day, lay down without laying on my hair, get dressed without a mass of locks getting in the way... all that good stuff. i feel like a new person, and hopefully this mind state helps me with my journey.

forever forward...

the broken toe.

many moons ago, i did what may have been the one and only thing i ever regret, i broke my big toe. and it's not the fact that i broke it that i regret so much as how.. i got angry. and instead of kicking the person i was angry at, i took it out on an inanimate object that had no give. silly move. not only that but i jammed it so hard that all of the joints were compressed, and for years after i had nothing but aches in the toe knuckles, and no feeling in the outer half of the toe itself.

a lover of barefoot living, i was disappointed that i had to wear shoes more often to protect the toe with no feeling. i would hit it off of things or get it caught when i trip around town. when hiking i would wear shoes or sandals with hard toe caps [keens], but that still had flexible soles. it wasn't until Vibram came up with the fantastical idea of 'toe shoes' as i call them, or Fivefingers as they were so appropriately named, that i found my happy medium. these are now my everyday footwear besides at work [must wear steel toes, yuck!] or in the deep chill of winter.

...but! i have discovered that with the addition of toe socks, i can wear them out in the cold, as long as i keep a good pace, my feet stay toasty warm. and thanks to my awesome parents who decided to get me a pair of froggy toe socks as 'tradition' every year since before i can remember, i have lots to choose from.

anyhoo.. what i was getting to with the toe and the shoes... i have been wearing them for a couple years now, and slowly, 3 years after the injury, i started to get feeling back in my toe. pain, lots of pain at first, but feeling no less. i think that returning to the natural motion of walking sans shoes, it has allowed my toes to fully bend like they're supposed to, and i regained some flexibility in the joint. if ever i go wearing boots all day for weeks at a time [winter], my foot becomes stiff and the joint aches more than it would usually. it doesn't ache constantly anymore which is nice. i hope that if i keep the joints flexible by continuing to run 'barefoot', i will prolong my ability to walk without intense pain in my foot.


it was another cold one today, the canal was finally frozen over. i could definitely feel the cold under my feet up on the path. i'm finding now that i can run for longer periods at a time without losing my breath. the [mostly] quitting smoking is paying off. i still have a butt every once in a while, but it's certainly no pack a day. i can focus more on making distance and enjoying the view instead of catching my breath every few minutes. speaking of view..

..it's kinda strange to see ice on the canal anymore. it wasn't quite cold enough last winter, and it was a sight to behold when i noticed that rocks had been thrown upon the ice without smashing through. wow, a real winter, sorta! well i'm glad i started running just in time to enjoy it:)